Where The Torment Began

In a realistic world. Someone gets into BDSM ( Bondage, Discipline, Dominate, Submissive, Sadism, Masochism ) through a “normal” channel. This channel being curiosity. You get into the world of, what our kind calls, vanilla sex. Something very plain and simple which is what most people are given for the first year or so of their sex life. After that someone might scratch or even bite you, making you more curious about things a little more intense. For most people this is the “normal” route to BDSM. My story is quite far off from that.

When I was fourteen I found myself in a relationship with someone three and a half years older than me. At fourteen I was young, dumb and lovestruck. This all ended very quickly when I was faced with the choice of losing my virginity. I figured that since he was my boyfriend I wouldn’t be forced into anything I wasn’t willing to do. But boy was I wrong. A few weeks into this relationship I was raped by my boyfriend, I was beaten, I was forced to do things I didn’t even know existed.  He was controlling, rough and abusive. I was given rules for everything, who I could talk to, what I could wear, what I could eat. He controlled everything about my life. Finally I got the courage to end it. But even still it left behind a tormented soul.

I now have to try to explain to the boys I date my sexual preferences. Which is very difficult where I live. Sex lives are kept in private, and if it does get out that you are into being dominated they call you a “tormented soul” Something left behind by the devil. I didn’t choose to be this way. I didn’t get the chance to be introduced into my sex life with the “normality’ other people did. I was broken, beaten and shown a side of sex a fourteen year old should never experience.

From this I can’t have a “normal” sex life. Sex is supposed to have an emotional connection. Love, passion, sparks. Mine consists of, whips, handcuffs and blindfolds. I haven’t been able to experience what it is like to have that connection. Yes, the man I am with now I love to death. I would take a bullet for Mike. But when it comes to our sex life I feel like I’m just going through the motions, I won’t say I don’t feel love towards him. Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of fireworks? or bells? Is it just me, or are those things fairy-tales? I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that.

-bre xo

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